Tuesday, April 27, 2010

if you want to feel better about your own life...read this novel

You know when you are young it is common (at least for girls) to imagine how your life will turn out. You start with imagining a perfect wedding to a perfect man and then soon enough you have children who are all, of course, perfect. In fact, it gets to the point that when we are out and about we seem to notice the parents we aren’t going to be and the type of children we aren’t going to have; you know, it is the parents with children who are running and yelling up and down the halls of a library. You’d never be the mothers who are running after them, frantic, frazzled, furious, and slightly over-weight and out of style. The mother who when she catches her “out of control” children becomes somewhat hysterical. In your mind you are thinking two things. The first is, ‘oh come on lady, they are just kids acting their age…’ and the second is, ‘I will never have children that are that misbehaved; and I will never act or look like that!’ Well my friend you just signed your life away with those two judgments!!! Goodbye fairy-tale life, Hello reality!

I have had a LONG day. It has been one of those days where I am sure motherhood is totally over-rated (for the record; it isn’t – it is just hard and no one has ever lied about that). This morning I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go to the gym because Adam and Grace had dentist appointments, so I got up around 6:30 and went running. It was hard (I am still really out of shape), but so enjoyable and peaceful. Basically my peace ended when I walked through the door at the end of the run. Of course Adam was one notch below panic mode because his one true love (me) was missing. Scott was reassuring him that I would come home. He was pretty relieved to see me; seriously dude, like I would just take off. We ate breakfast and I went to shower. After getting everyone ready I sent Lily off to school and the three other kids and I went to see Dr. Jason. I think you all know where I might be going with this; after all, most of you are familiar with Grace…Needless to say, it could have gone better; a lot better. When you have to leave your baby in the office (trusting total strangers, I might add) so that you can run out and catch your other two who have just walked onto an elevator you can pretty much tell that the experience isn’t going well. Or when you finally get them back in the office and they start grabbing for every toy in the prize box and refuse to settle on just one each and you end up leaving with both of them screaming and crying then you know you have hit the jackpot on bad outings. I am pretty sure the whole office all cheered when we left. The sad thing is, that wasn’t an unusual experience. It happens everywhere I go (except church because I have Scott there to help and it is a more familiar place for the kids).

So from there my day just kept getting worse. We needed to stop at the grocery store and of course Grace cried and screamed the entire time over who knows what – I think I have blocked it out of my memory and it was only 10:30 this morning. Davie was sort of at the end of his rope, which is understandable since I had been basically ignoring him all morning and all Adam could talk about is how he wanted some gummy worms! AHHHHHHH. We got through it and amazingly enough I was still smiling…

Then this afternoon just topped off the whole day! I had a PTA thing at the school that I wanted to go to and because I always see all the other parents there with their children I naively decided that maybe I could to. After all I couldn’t possibly be the only person around with monkeys disguised as children. Or am I? Plus I am really tired of ALWAYS asking my neighbors for help with watching my kids. I feel like the biggest mooch ever and I HATE it! So I decided to brave to PTA thing with all three of them (and really, how stupid am I – I just went through that whole day and I really thought it would turn out okay at the school!?). Well I won’t go into details; let’s just say that I have, in fact, turned into that mother that I was describing above. Except instead of running through a library screaming, mine where running up and down the halls of school in session screaming. I kid you not! They were out of control! At one point they were sitting on the floor of a doorway and a mom needed to get by and said, “Excuse me.” Instead of moving like polite children or even children who are nervous around other adults (like I was at that age) Adam just looked up and laughed at her, WITHOUT moving! I lost it! I told him that that is no way to treat anyone, but especially a grown-up who has asked politely for you to move. His eyes were completely glossed over and I could tell none of this was registering. Basically it just went drastically downhill from there. All the while all the other children that were there with their parents somehow seem to know how to stay close to their mothers, speak with an inside voice, say kind things to strangers, etc, etc, etc… and in the meantime I am getting those looks from all the people thinking the thought I expressed earlier. Thoughts like, ‘Maybe if she would try disciplining them then they wouldn’t be such terrors’ or ‘Wow, maybe she could get control of those children’ or ‘what monsters!’ or ‘Holy Cow, has she heard of a salad?’

Basically the bottom line is that I am that mother from above. The one that everyone stares at constantly and casts judgments upon. The one that no one thinks is quite adequate for parenthood. And the saddest part about it is that I actually wasn’t one of those people that looked at parents with a judgmental eye. I have always figured some people could do better, but for the most part, most people are just doing their best. So HOW DID I END UP WITH FOUR VERY RAMBUXIOS, HIGH-SPIRITED, INDEPENDENT, AND STUBBORN CHILDREN??????? I was such a nice child and I try to be pretty nice to people around me. I am energetic and a bit loud, but does that mean I deserve children who will not listen to a thing I say? I am beginning to think that maybe I am failing as a parent. I try to be patient (and actually I am pretty good at it, except for the PTA meeting) and consistent with discipline. I am usually happy and cheerful with them. I try and teach them responsibility by giving them chores and teaching them how to do them. I let them play freely without micromanaging them. I limit their TV time and they have never even been on the computer. I read to them almost nightly and make really good meals for them that are basically healthy. They go to the doctor and dentist when they need to and our house is usually pretty clean. I have tried to set a good example about body image and keeping our bodies healthy and active. We talk about manners and how to treat others. We sing and dance and play and talk, a lot! What am I missing? Why can’t my five year old behave in a public place or any place? Why does my three year feel the need to run away from me or throw a HUGE temper tantrum every time we go anywhere? It seems that no matter how many times I have our little “pep-talks” in the car as we are about to get out and enter the public eye it isn’t enough – they still just do what they want. And no matter how angry I get with them they just don’t seem to care. Maybe that is the hardest part for me; when my parents got mad at me as child I remember just feeling agony. My insides would just turn and turn and I would feel terrible. I hated it when they were angry or disappointed. But my kids just don’t seem to care. In fact I will be talking to them about something and not only will not listen or even really focus on me they will basically start to laugh at me. My goal in life isn’t to make them sad, but laughing at me when I am trying to be patient in disciplining them is not a great response. And then there is that part of me that doesn’t want to squash that happy little spirit in them, so then I feel guilty about ever losing my temper with them. But they need discipline and structure.

So as you can see, it has not been a totally awesome day. I feel like a failure. Like I am doing something drastically wrong. And on top of it all I cannot seem to lose these last ten pounds (I have never had this hard of a time before). I would love to take them more places and be more involved at the school, but it is impossible – they make it impossible. You may be thinking that maybe they act like this because I am so high-strung, but I don’t that is it. I have told myself hundreds of times to just mellow out, go with the flow and let them be children. They don’t act any calmer when I am calmer. If anything they seize the opportunity to really wreak havoc. So maybe I am seeking advice; although I am not sure any of it will help. None of you are here and see the dynamic of my hellions…uh…children. But if you do have some mind-blowing, life-changing, amazing advice I guess I wouldn’t be oppose to hearing it. Because as we stand I am ready to find an Indian Reservation and sell them to the Indians (my parents used to tell us that they would sell us to the Indians if we didn’t start behaving – at one point I actually though it sounded like a lot of fun; after all they eat fry bread and dance a lot. How could that be bad? As a sidenote, I mean to not disrespect Native Americans at all, it was just a saying we had growing up in Arizona where there are a lot of reservations).

Let me express one last thought…I actually do love my children tremendously. I love so many things about them. Mostly I love that they are interesting people who keep my life fun. I would not trade them for anything (so to any Indians out there, you can put your checkbooks away). They are funny, happy, silly, and smart little kids. BUT I am having a really hard time feeling like I am stuck here at home with them all day everyday because I can’t take them anywhere without being completely humiliated. I tired of paying babysitters and mooching off friends for help so that I can go and do simple things that I should be able to do with them. I guess that is why I decided to do today the way I did. I figured that at some point I am just going to need to get used to packing them ALL around with me everywhere I go. It just all went so badly and I am always holding out such hope that they will surprise me and behave the way I have taught them. I am tired of being disappointed. Motherhood is great if you like being lonely. That is how I feel a lot – lonely and tired. As for what happened after the school affair – I sent Adam and Grace to their rooms until dinner. Grace will no doubt fall asleep and Adam asks every two minutes if it dinner time yet. Maybe I should let him out before he gets to bored and decides to destroy something in his room. Hundred bucks says that I will go down to let him out and something will be destroyed out of innocent boredom. And so it starts again…

I guess I should reconcile the fact that life as I imagined is just that; imagined. This is reality, these are my darling and somewhat naughty children and no amount of dreaming was ever going to change that…we all must have made some kind of crazy deal before we came here. I must have really liked them then and they must have really liked me. So here we are, in reality!

18 comments:

erika said...

Oh, Em I was laughing and crying at the same time! You are a great writer, esp the Native American bit. And I'm sure this won't help much, but I think every mom has felt the way you do. I don't have any magical answers, but I do think one day you will be able to look at this post and laugh (and feel glad that you wrote it all down!)
One thing that has worked SO GREAT for me, and it is not in everyone's budget and doesn't work perfect for everyone, is to join a gym that has childcare. Seriously, those are the best 2 hours of my day. The kids get to run around and play, and I get my workout in. Sometimes I will bring a book and read on the recumbent bike after my workout is done, just because I can. I figure it's cheaper than preschool AND it keeps me from weighing 300 pounds.

emily, etc, etc said...

Erika, you are so nice. I have a gym membership with childcare and I go everyday. It is a nice break. Lately though Davie has not been cooperative and I haven't made it more than 30 minutes before someone comes to get me....But you are right it is a lifesaver.

Honor said...

HOW DID I END UP WITH FOUR VERY RAMBUXIOS, HIGH-SPIRITED, INDEPENDENT, AND STUBBORN CHILDREN???????

this is the question i am asking myself constantly. you are not alone. i have decided, after much talking with other moms who feel the EXACT same way, that our children, these children who are born into this wicked hard world, have to be this way in order to survive against all that Satan has to offer. It is SO hard and SO tough that they have to be impossibly stubborn and difficult. What we teach them will stick with them (I'm hoping anyways) and all we can do is keep on our path and continue to show them the ways to choose the right. i've heard it gets harder *shudder* ... we won't think about that.

hang in there. you are definitely NOT alone!!

Callie said...

Oh Emily! You poor thing. I wish we lived in Utah so I could help you! I'm still new to this mom business, so I probably don't have any grounds for giving you advice, but I recognize the lonely part. Even having one baby makes it hard to get out of the house and do the things I want to do! I get super lonely at home. One thing that helped me is to have Brian give me a blessing, it made me feel better and put things into perspective. Maybe Scott would be up to it. I know Heavenly Father is there to provide help, comfort, and patience if we ask for it.

You are doing all the right things and you are a great mom. Hang in there! They won't be little forever and hopefully they'll turn into well behaved teenagers!

DeLong Family Members: said...

You have good friends with great advice. Honor is right about these kids born in these hard times--they have to be strong. You are a great mom and your kids love you and you and Scott are teaching them so many important things. One thing that came to mind while I was reading your blog, for your own sanity and maybe to help Gracie learn that there are limits--have you tried using the cute child leash you made for when you travel. Maybe if you told Gracie that until she can learn to obey you when you take her places she will need to have the leash so that she can be safe (from hurting herself and running off, etc.) That way you can control where she goes and how far--until she is ready to stay with you. (I know she would throw a fit--but it would only take a couple of times before she realized you meant business). Just a thought--plus it might help Adam to see that running off might have some consequences--two leashes work as well as one!! MOM

Erica said...

You know, I've wondered and felt the very same thing. Especially the part about being horrified if my parents were upset with me. My daughter does the same thing as your kids. It doesn't seem to phase her at all if I'm unhappy with her and I even get laughed at sometimes too.

After talking with my mom about it we've come to the same conclusion some of your other friends have. These spirits coming down to Earth now are a whole different breed. They need those personalities for whatever is coming for them. It scares me to death, thinking of what kinds of trials they'll have to face, but I have to keep reminding me that they were sent here and now because they could handle it. And...I was sent when I was so I could teach/guide her. It is just taking more relying on the Lord instead of the kinds of things that worked on me as a kid. :^) Good luck!

marian said...

No advice whatsoever! But my parents also threatened to sell us to the Indians and I know the glassed over stare SOOOOOOOO well! Oh yea, and I'm right there with the whole I feel like the biggest mooch in the world all the time. And, I love you, and I think you rock. And I LOVE OUR LEASH! It is a lifesaver especially with a new baby, I can keep Isaac by me, more or less and not have to abandon Sarah while I chase him.

Jeanne and Nelson said...

Em, one day after a very bad experience at Sears I think David was about seven, I came home and told Nelson I wasn't taking him into public again until he was twelve. I think I stuck to that, except for church or if Nelson was with me which wasn't often. I don't know how I managed that Jessica must have stayed with him, who knows. He was an awful child in public and look how nice he turned out. You are a great mom, just keep at it.

Anonymous said...

They may be running down the aisles now and throwing temper tantrums, but just wait. The eye rolling and fights with you are almost worst! As you know with Katy and Jane, it's just as hard, but a different ball game.

Sammy knows that if he is good at the store he gets either french fries (walmart) or a candy at checkout (he can choose). I've done this since he saw the golden arches at McDonalds in he Walmart and seized the opportunity. The other day he wanted the fries before the shopping - NOT! He started throwing a temper tantrum and I walked away. Everyone was starring and no doubt thinking I was a HORRIBLE mom until I got so far away that he shut up and ran to me, not making a sound until the end of the shopping trip!

Ryan and Renee said...

I'll be honest, I stopped reading 1/2 way through. I love your kids and they are not naughty. Your kids are one in a million and I love them so much! I think all kids go through hard ages, yours are just all in a hard stage. Anyway, I love them and they are cute. You are a good mom.

cheyney webb said...

I looking for a distraction from work and this was just what I needed. I dont have any advice.
#1. You ARE a great mom.
#2. I guess it is good for me to know the REALITY of motherhood.

DAVID BOREN said...

This is Sherrie, by the way.
When we first got married, everyone told David that our kids would be difficult, to pay him back for what he was like as a kid. I always thought that wasn't fair, but it has come true. I think sometimes we all feel we just don't have what it takes to be good moms in this world. I have to remind myself that the Lord hand-picked my kids especially for me, because He knew I was the mother they needed (and they were what I needed). I also have to remind myself that I CANNOT do this whole motherhood thing without His help. David's favorite scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 123:17. I believe it also applies to motherhood.
I think you are an incredible person, someone who I want to be more like.
Love ya!

SJ said...

Ah, I can SO RELATE! I can't tell you the number of times I heard "You sure have your hands full." As I travelled around town w/ 3 BOYS! And each and every time I said, "yes, you're right!" So here is what worked for me:
1. double stroller- it actually carried all three kids as I would have Sam stand between the front to back seats. That kept them contained. Yes it's a pain, and out goes the cool mom image...but we were in survival mode!
2. Practice errands. We would get all ready for an errand where I PLANNED for the kids to fail. The point was to train the kids, behave, or we go sit in the car/ go home. And then we'll have to go back later because we can't eat if we don't buy food. They hated errands, so for us the prospects of having more worked.
3. "shopping positions" baby in the front of the cart w/ shoe laces tied to eachother so they can't climb out. Older kids on each side of the cart holding to the medal frame. I was a bit like a drill sargeant I'm afraid, at least durring the trainging phase. If they let go it was a calm eye to eye conversation about strangers trying to steal them.
I know you were just venting and you probably feel way better at the moment...so thanks for sharing. You're definitely not alone. I'm guessing what you're doing is just perfect. It is a phase and they WILL out grow it! You are such a great lady and Mom. LOVE YOU!

Loughmiller's said...

I am from a ward where 3/4 of the kids have parents that are engineers. Almost our whole stake are engineers and all of our kids are the same. Into everything, can't sit still..... It might be an engineer thing. :) Don't want to blame it on your husband, but I am seeing a trend. :)

Heather said...

first of all. i love you for so many reasons. you are an excellent mother and always have been a great example to me.

secondly. you are not alone. you have met my children right? they are wild and crazy and loud and never ever ever stay when i ask them to. i am ALWAYS running after them and pleading with them to listen to me. sometimes they do. and most of the time they don't.

third. i have 20 pounds to lose. i can feel my stomache hanging over everything i wear. i am fat. and i hate it. and everyone always says "oh no. you look so great. blah blah blah." that's crap. i have a mirror and i know what i look like.

but here's the thing. who cares. who cares that we are a little heavier than we want to be. who cares that my kids look homeless everyday and run around screaming. as long as you know that they are well taken care of, fed, and generally happy. then you are doing a fantastic job as a mother.

i know what you are going through. i am going through it too. i keep waiting for the crazy "phase" to be over. but then i realize that i don't really want it to end. not yet anyway.

one thing that i did that i completely love and totally suggest is to get a self help book. sounds lame. but i really loved it. i got hannah keeley's "total mom makeover". every morning i would read it and every day she has little excersizes for you to do that really do help. try it out and let me know what you think.

emily, you are awesome. you know how much i love you and miss you. i am so sad to hear the things are hard right now. but that's the way it is. just remember, i am "that mom" too and i am darn proud to be! who wants to be the mom with boring lame kids? not me!

love you.

Malisa said...

Oh Emily, I had no idea! I saw you at that PTA thing and DID NOT give you one of the looks you described, but instead it was an "I'm so sorry, I wish I could help you, but I'm so absorbed in my own life and exhausted that I'm barely sitting here with my daughter that is afraid of everyone" look. I saw myself in the (tiny bit) of frustration I saw you had with your kids.

That being said, I think we all do have struggles with our kids. Mine are not the same, BUT THEY ARE THERE. I think the (unplanned) spacing of my children might make a few things easier, but they still have their own personalities. Let me tell you that we have many unpleasant days around here. Many. I was pleased to make it right on time to church today considering the fantastic *coughcough* morning at our home. Seriously, if our kids stay up AT ALL at night they are just beasts the next day. I have never met children that cry more than mine either. Truthfully.

So I guess I'm saying that I like you and your children and have about ZERO judgement to cast your way. Hang in there. :)

Jessica said...

Just remember that my brother, David, turned out real well:) I'm suprised my mom isnt' bald like my dad! -jess

Bradley L. Hill said...

Emily, feeling responsible in a small way for your dilemma, I'll offer some thoughts - useless as they may be:
1. I think people actually DO lie about how difficult parenting is. Too many parents expect it to be easy, and when they discover it isn't, they give up or give in. You don't seem to be doing either, even though your charges are particularly challenging. YAY, EMILY!
2. As a teacher, I'm proud of you for putting off the technology until later. I think your kiddles are better off creating and innovating with nature and with real people, than they would be if they were zoned-out in front of a computer monitor. Like our First Lady, I wish more children were as active and inventive. They'll become techno-whizzes soon enough. YAY, EMILY!
3. I know you love your whole family. Maybe every moment isn't as inspired as you'd like, but overall Heavenly Father is directing you and will prosper you. He sent you those spirits because he wanted them to learn from YOU. YAY, EMILY.
4. You've probably done this already, but as you and Scott strategize, consider asking him for a blessing. YAY, SCOTT!

Uncle Brad